Tuesday 31st January 2012: Bad Mood Bear – the bonus material

I love swearing: I’m the swearing one amongst us.  I’m the one the others warn their children not to listen to when they come to watch their Daddy’s play.  I know there are those w#####rs who say that swearing just shows a lack of intelligence and class and culture, well ho f##k##g ho.  I agree there is a time and place for swearing and there are times when I wouldn’t dream of swearing, like giving a speech at a christening, when talking to a police officer, when meeting the Pope (although there’s a shiny little devil upon my shoulder, grinning and erect at such a thought).   But as there are times when not to swear there are times when it is hugely fun, entertaining and as satisfying as masturbation – see how I didn’t say w#nk##g – like when a cup tips over in the dishwasher and is full of crappy water when you empty it…then the dishwasher becomes the shi# #anking b##stard of a machine: when in a rush and caught behind a nervous driver they become a sad tw#t of a man, and when I am at fault, which I often am, I am an unreserved fuc#in# w#nking tos#er of Olympic standard.  Indeed whenever I see it is the new Chinese New Year I wonder if it will ever be the Year Of The Twat, sorry T##T, or my personal favourite, the Year Of The God Forsaken Tosspot, after all it would be nice to have a year dedicated purely to myself.

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